My wife and I our currently expecting and are about to have a baby shower.
For those unfamiliar with the shower concept here in the US we have a party that is generally more expensive then if you were to just buy the baby stuff. We invite people over and they give us stuff off a list that is at a few big box stores.
Registering for the baby shower was my eye opener of what we are getting ourselves into. I actually seriously wondered what we would do if we didn't have friends, family and/or money. I had no clue where to start. I wasn't even sure what car seat we needed (the baby store will tell you).
I have to say though I'm amazed by the quality of the cardboard box stuff. Some of that stuff looks better than the stuff we registered for :).
Oh man, just coming out of the dark times (it's hard for the first few months), my little babyface is a bit over 6 months old. Everyone likes to offer un-asked for advice, and I'm no exception, but sleep sleep sleep. Bank it as much as possible before it's gone. Sleep dep is easily the worst part of being a new parent, it makes your brain go funny and makes it hard to cope with things. Be prepared to feel super depressed about your work performance for the next six months. That one actually hit me hard - your brain is how you do your job and your brain doesn't work properly for the first six months, so it's incredibly demoralizing. Lots of rewarding things in there too, but man, there's definitely a trough of sorrow you go through at the beginning!
On my third child, and my ex-wife, and my current wife or I have never had a sleep issue. We made it a point to put them in bed with us from the get go. No crib or sleeper. Breast fed, and we all slept fine with the occasional sickness or hot day making sleep a bit difficult for everybody. The babies tend to sleep better and wake less when they hear breathing and heartbeats nearby is my guess. That and both of my wives were/are very adept at breastfeeding in bed on their sides. I count myself lucky!
It is very dangerous to sleep with your baby. I know that many people in many cultures do sleep with their babies but you should not. There are several ways it can result in the baby dying:
1. You can suffocate the baby by breathing on their face while you are asleep. The baby will not cry and will not wake while this is occurring.
2. You can crush your baby by rolling on to them while you are asleep.
3. Your baby can suffocate from their nose and mouth being covered by a blanket or pillow or even the soft mattress if they are get rolled over.
Co-sleeping advocates will tell you "as long as you do it safely you can sleep with your newborn." This is false. There is no safe way to sleep with a newborn. Newborns cannot turn their heads away if you breath on them. They cannot move if you get too close. While, many parents sleep with their babies and the babies do not die that does not mean that it is safe.
That's why I made the remark about drugs, alcohol or hypermobile sleepers. My current wife, myself and my ex-wife never had an issue before babies, during and after.
It's actually not something I do while _asleep_, but when groggy. If I wake up in the middle of the night and decide I want to sleep on my side now, my sense of spatial awareness is pretty poor. I believe people can get by without issues, just thought I would pop in with an amusing anecdote :)
You can actually divide the bed into two parts: for you and for the baby, so you don't risk crushing it. The baby still feels the beats and sleeps better.
And yet, Japan where co-sleeping is the norm, seems to be tied with the Netherlands for lowest rate of sudden infant death syndrome. Tatami might be a good idea if you want to co-sleep (softer bedding increases risk).
I've read many reports and studies. My first child was 1997, and my current was born in 2014.
Parenting is a very personal issue, and I am not on a mission to change anybody's parenting decisions. At the end of the day, it is your family business. I have always questioned things, though, and I was very surprised at some of the things I learned when I first looked into co-sleeping and the warnings from mainly US institutions or government. The ads and posters are creepy to an extreme (a sleeping baby next to a meat cleaver!), and betray the scare propaganda vs. data approach [1].
>There is no safe way to sleep with a newborn.
You state this, and yet you list common sense things or precautions to take even if they are in a crib. Why not the same common sense applied to co-sleeping? Firm mattress, on back, no pillow, or headboard they can jam a bodypart through?
"The United States has a higher infant mortality rate than any of the other 27 wealthy countries..." by the CDC [2]. And this is with one of the highest expenditures on health care than other nations. And it gets worse as the baby ages in the postnatal period, so it is not just more premies or bad neonatal care where the US is not as bad.
The sharp difference is in disadvantaged or uneducated groups. A poor person's baby in another wealthier nation has more of a chance than one in the US, and that is the key to the disparity.
In one of your links they cite a waterbed! I think if co-sleeping deaths are lower elsewhere than in the US it is for lack of education, common sense, parenting knowledge or all three. I am from the US. I raised my first two there, and now I live in a very poor village in East Java, Indonesia where most of the houses have dirt floors. All of the families in this village co-sleep as far as I have seen or had answered to me. I still apply the same common sense guidelines we both have listed in our replies.
For me and my family, we feel the benefits outweigh the disadvantages. We kept the newborns flat on their backs with no loose sheets to entangle them, or other accessories. We have always had fairly firm mattresses. We don't drink alcohol, and we are not hypermobile sleepers. We are also strangely aware of where the baby is, and we still manage to get more sleep distributed across the night between smaller, more frequent feedings.
I loved waking up to watch my little ones' chests rise and fall! I'd say we were more diligent and aware and monitoring them against SIDS than if we had them in a crib in another room with audio monitor, across the same room, or at the bedside.
The US report which cites deaths from co-sleeping didn't bother to check or factor in drugs or alcohol. There is also the potential of the horrible MBPS (Munchausen By Proxy Syndrome) not discovered in some cases.
The article of the Arizona parents that left their 2 year old in the house alone, only to be discovered walking outside while they were gone for two hours playing Pokemon speaks to the level of idiocy of some parents, so I am sure in a country of 320 million you will have some numbers to cite if that is the sample population.
SIDS is said to increase with co-sleeping, although again, the studies are not too detailed, and the same recommendations then go on to say SIDS decreases when it's a bassinet opened to the bed as opposed to in another room or across the room.
As I said, it doesn't happen to everyone, it doesn't happen to most. But is does happen. Here is someone who it happened to in Cleveland: http://www.ideastream.org/news/be-well-why-do-babies-die-in-... . Note, not on drugs, not high, not drunk, doing the "right things." Had researched co-sleeping safely etc... I head her talk on the radio about it. The cause of death was determined to be her breathing on her child's face while they were both asleep. This just isn't the kind of risk I would be willing to take.
Life is never a zero-risk game, and you need to put things in perspective with numbers, not scare stories. You do this every day when you choose to hop on a bike, get in your car or on a train and go to to work.
Parenting is personal, very personal, so do what you feel is right for yourself and your child.
Yes, infant deaths are horrific, no matter the cause(s), and make for emotionally compelling reports.
Do you have numbers on infants who die while in a crib in the same room? Another room? Bedside bassinet?
My current wife, myself and my ex all had agreed that we prefer to be more responsive to our children. My wives both are light sleepers, and woke to the slightest disturbance to check, but went right off to sleep at the all clear. I also developed this sense. A cough, a wheeze, and somehow my brain triggered me to pay attention, but not routine noises.
I never fall out of bed, never have, and neither do the majority of the population. NOTE: I prefer a mattress on the floor anyway, so even if I did, it is 7 inches to the ground. We are aware of our surroundings when we sleep. The babies have always slept between us.
Of course there are exceptions: Drugs, alcohol, people with sleep disorders like 'night terrors', hybermobile sleepers, PTSD-affected people and so on. Again, reason and education.
I will look into the 'breathing onto the face of the baby' bit, since being a technical diver, CPROX-certified and aware of related things, I would think you would have to have your exhaling nose or mouth right up against your baby rather than at breast height where they normally sleep. Ambient air usually is around 21% O2. It would take a high concentration of CO2 to displace the ambient air and to develop right at the nose or mouth, and babies tend to breath twice as fast as parents, so it doesn't seem to add up. I'd like to find numbers on that one.
Again, in the US I kept an old drafty house with lots of air exchange by default, not the typical modern American construction which tends to seal and caulk everything and keep closed doors. This keeps harmful off-gassing products trapped in your breathing space. I also didn't use much energy, since I prefer it a bit chilly vs. toasty, so the drafts and fresh air were welcomed.
It's the reason Radon remediation saw people adding active ducts to remove it from basements and such. Too tightly sealed, no air circulation. Radon is naturally occurring, and it is only when you trap the radon progeny that attach to surfaces or dust that it becomes a respiratory/radiation health concern.
For the past year, I have been living in a house in East Java, where I can see daylight through the roof tiles, and the room is very airy due to the night breeze. We sleep on a mattress on a floor, and the rice fields and trees are all around us with a volcano 13 miles due SSW (Now, that could be a risk!).
[UPDATE] Here's an interesting take from a pediatrician for 35 years, who co-slept with all 8 of his children, and wrote 2 books on the subject regarding Sids[1].
Obesity is also a barrier to co-sleeping, and usually carries other issues like sleep apnea. The US doesn't practice co-sleeping anywhere near the numbers in Asia, and I think the obesity problem is well-known.
Glad that worked for you, but bed or not, there's a ton of fussing that's going to happen. Maybe your kids were different, but in my experience the bed just means they fall asleep faster (which is nice, not going to argue that), it doesn't prevent your baby from waking up every 2 hours all night.
Yes, the bed was quick, and in the first six weeks there is some fussing, but the pattern gets established quickly if it is routine. I may have been lucky with all three; we never had so much fussing.
Waking up every 2 to 3 hours, but mildly and not turning on lights or getting up for a diaper change.
My son was only one who really cried, but usually during the day when overtired, or gas, or whatever. He didn't cry when in bed at night.
There doesn't seem to be much evidence that you can bank sleep effectively for anything but very short term deprivation, and even that is a bit mixed. Your points about the effect of sleep dep ring true. Maybe the effective message isn't "sleep now" but "if you can, do anything now that will be mentally taxing, and avoid it in the next 6 mo or so"
We now have a good rhythm - wife lets me sleep through the night and I get up at 5:30am with Felix and let her sleep for another couple hours. Didn't really work great at the beginning.
If you have friends and/or family, but no money, you rely heavily on hand-me-downs. An example of ours -- although cloth diapers are cheaper in the long run than disposable diapers, the start-up costs are steep. But we've had to buy less than 1/5 of the cloth diapers we've used, because they pass through a loose network of friends.
If you don't have friends or family, the only money saving option really available in the US (that I know of) is used/thrift shops and consignment sales.
A legitimately good part of Facebook is the community driven support groups and swap groups. My wife and I also cloth diapered, we picked up almost all of them through local swap groups and some through ebay. When our son grew out of things we posted these things back to these support groups. My wife organized around 10-15 meetups at a nearby park and made back ~US$300. I think the largest item sold was his infant car seat and stroller combo that went for $65 or $75.
So yea, both coming and going, these local groups were troves of good cheap items.
Can someone explain to me the reasoning behind cloth diapers? Last I checked you are basically dealing with a constant mess and smell, plus another load of laundry where you run the washing machine twice. Everyone I know who has used cloth diapers has spent more money and time than using disposables (around 20 cents per diaper), and their reason for doing it was some vague notion of environmentalism/naturalism.
Regarding money: apart from a car seat (buy a new one!), there honestly isn't much that's expensive and necessary for raising a baby. Take a pram, for instance: we bought one for $70 on Craigslist for our first daughter, second daughter is using it now four years later, no problems that regular maintenance with what I have in the garage hasn't solved. Crib: Ikea, $40, our oldest slept in that till she was three. Clothes for babies are cheap, buy them a little big and you can use them for 3 months or more. They don't care if their pants go up to their shoulders.
I love the Ikea crib. Simple, safe, all you need for a baby / toddler. We had a fancier crib for our first, but it was way less durable and failed during the toddler years. For clothes, it helps to know other people with similar aged children; we've traded clothes back-and-forth with a whole circle of people. Kids also don't care if they're wearing hand-me-downs :)
Best part for us about the Ikea crib was when we moved to a different country, we just bought an identical one and our daughter instantly went "Sweet, my bed is here!".
My sister was a stay at home mom and her husband in the air force when they had kids. My wife mailed her boxes and boxes of stuff she got at garage sales. I wouldn't necessarily buy a crib or a baby seat at a garage sale unless they were less than a year old due to increasing safety standards and recalls. But anything else you don't buy new anyway (bottles, nipples, etc) is perfectly fine to get used. Baby doesn't know and doesn't care if it's wrapped in a onesie from Walmart or Baby Gap.
Why do some people say 'baby' without any article? Shouldn't it be 'your baby', 'a baby' or 'the baby' or something like that? You wouldn't say 'sister doesn't know' or 'boss doesn't know'. I'm not a native English speaker.
In this context, baby is sometimes used as a proper noun to indicate a singular, specific baby. It sounds more personal than 'that baby', and has been in fairly common use for as long as I can remember in both Canada and the US (at least here on the west coast).
Oh, and you may in fact here the phrases 'sister doesn't know' or 'boss doesn't know' in some circumstances, although in those instances it would be more of a slang/affectation/colloquialism and not as common as 'baby'.
In this case 'Baby' is a standin for the baby's name. I would characterize this as 'reasonably standard' for spoken language, but a little odd in written language, but could help convey a conversational tone.
I originally thought this was an example of metonymy, but I don't think it is (this is more like 'role-instead-of-name'), so I don't know what the term for this is, and I'm finding it surprisingly hard to search for. I can imagine using it for a profession or job as well, but the contexts of use seem reasonably specific.
I agree that it is a stand in for a name. Some ideas on why that might be:
-- sometimes babies don't immediately have names, and we need a way to refer to them
-- professionals who work around babies and in birthing tend to address both the baby and the adults by their family relationships (it's Mom, Dad, Grandad, etc. instead of George and Laura). This is presumably because that helps it keep clear what everyone's the relationships is to the baby, and what role they should play in the whole process.
-- babies aren't really people with their own unique identities when they are first born, so maybe it is kind of awkward to address them with their full adult name.
Plus saying "your baby" is potentially overly familiar and possibly confrontational. Using baby with no article makes it indeterminate - it's the idea of their baby as opposed to the actual baby itself.
I dunno about what's reasonably safe, but like a bike helmet, you don't want to use a car seat that has been in an accident. I think it was the manufacturer that recommended not using one manufactured more than 7 years ago (so it could be bogus).
Although, I believe in the U.S. you can get a free car seat from any fire station (or hospital?)
Congratulations! It's the most rewarding yet terrifying experience that can't be compared to anything else. Nobody is prepared enough to be a parent for the first time, yet somehow it (usually) just works out. A previously unused part of your brain just serms to become available.
How does a baby shower cost the parents money? Every one I've ever been to has been a) Organized by someone other than the parents-to-be and b) Wildly successful in terms of ROI.
I would say you would have been correct several years ago but there are many social dynamics going on these days.
For one the baby boomers (parents of soon to be parents) have large financial burdens themselves. They may want to help but lack the funds to do so and/or time (because they haven't retired yet themselves and might even be taking care of their parents).
Second people are having kids much later. I am 35 almost 36 and most of my friends and family are now geographically disparate.
Combined with above and the modern-busy-self-consumed-technology era we live in you seriously cannot rely on anyone organizing an event for you.
I don't blame this on my friends and family. It is just a reality.
Furthermore the expectation and cost to host an event has become far greater over the years.
Maybe it varies for people, but I've usually seen a good friend step in, rent out a spot at a park, get some tablecloths and balloons and things to snack on. They're also starting to be more co-ed, too. If you go all out, maybe $100-$200.
Just remember: you can get lots of dumb crap for your kids, but you do not need most of it.
Car seat, yes. Somewhere safe for them to sleep, yes. We had a changing pad on a dresser with the first one for a while, but switched to the floor pretty quickly and didn't bother with it at all for the second. You're usually not gonna want to take the kid to wherever the changing pad/table is, and it's easier to dress them on the floor anyway. And you don't have to worry about them falling off of the floor. My conclusion: changing table/pad = junk, unless you have some kind of problem getting down to/up off of the floor.
Bottle warmers. Waste of space and money. Also slow. Just nuke it. Shake it and stick your finger in to make sure you haven't done something horrible. It won't take long (a day) to figure out the right amount of time, at which point you'll almost never mess up anyway.
Favor 8oz bottles, not 4oz. They'll outgrow 4oz ones too fast and then they're basically garbage. Buy ONE BRAND AND STYLE ONLY so the parts are interchangeable. Do the same with sippy cups when those become relevant.
This part's (apparently) controversial, but: you don't need a giant diaper bag and a huge amount of storage on your stroller. When you go out you need: 1-2 diapers, 3 tops, a little plastic bag with wet wipes in it, one bottle, stuff to go in the bottle (this is easier if that's formula, you can acquire warm water one way or another almost anywhere so you just need the pre-measured powder in a baggie). THAT IS IT. You don't need crackers and fruit snacks and a dozen toys and that junk for your toddler. Just don't give them food when you're out shopping or whatever. Real easy if you don't set the expectation that they get snacks and toys all the time when you're out of the house, and that's as easy as... not doing it. So you don't need to carry that crap. You don't need a backpack. You don't need a massive $200 baby bag that you could fit 10 of your baby in and still zip it up. You don't need a stroller that could double as a truck. If you're getting a stroller optimize for ease of maneuvering in crowds (so, small), comfort to push (not too short if you're tall, for example) and ease of transport (collapsible). With one kid especially, consider just getting one of those strap-on carriers and skipping the stroller entirely. When they start to walk, make them walk whenever possible to reduce the amount of time you're dependent on that stuff.
You can buy giant loads of kids clothes off Craigslist or that Facebook Swap-Shop thing (I dunno much about it, my wife uses it, I don't have an FB account, but it seems to work well). It's even cheaper than the thrift store. You can buy for next year at the end of each season, works well. Then you sell anything that's not ruined when they grow out of it (or hand it down to a sibling). Clothes end up being nearly free unless you choose to spend more for some reason. Protip: hold out for batches of clothes from nice parts of town and then pounce on them immediately, the clothes will be in much better shape (sometimes brand new) than stuff from poorer areas and usually aren't more expensive(!). Difficulty: you will have to buy new shoes, usually. Just get the cheapest thing that works, they'll ruin/outgrow them quickly anyway.
If you have older relatives and they're not destitute, you'll soon be donating or throwing out excess toys and books by the bin-load. Buy way fewer toys than you think you "need" if this is your situation.
Remember you can always go get more stuff if you decide you need it. Err on the side of starting with too little in general, once the basics are covered. Keep most of the baby shower stuff you don't obviously need in the packaging until you decide you need it, and keep the gift receipt. You may never open it.
For those unfamiliar with the shower concept here in the US we have a party that is generally more expensive then if you were to just buy the baby stuff. We invite people over and they give us stuff off a list that is at a few big box stores.
Registering for the baby shower was my eye opener of what we are getting ourselves into. I actually seriously wondered what we would do if we didn't have friends, family and/or money. I had no clue where to start. I wasn't even sure what car seat we needed (the baby store will tell you).
I have to say though I'm amazed by the quality of the cardboard box stuff. Some of that stuff looks better than the stuff we registered for :).